fly to jesus

poppy was taking a shower tonight at i just couldn't stop thinking about zoe's birthday. today. today is her day. poppy is 21 months old. zoe was 22 months. they're almost the same age. and every time i think of zoe, i think of her being this age and it's crazy. and sad. for the first time in what might be forever, i have  imagined her as it being her birthday and she's not ~almost 2~, but her age today which is 14. FOURTEEN. i can't help but redo the math over and over again in my head, thinking that cannot be right. but i know that it is. 

it's her 14th birthday. i spent poppy's shower thinking about what she would be doing if she were here today and what her life would be like. thoughts of what she would be like with poppy and how she would be doing in school. thinking about how she'd probably be friends with her cousins , going to Night of Praise with Aidan and anna, hanging out and doing those things that cousins and siblings should be doing together. what a special few minutes it was, a special few minutes of imagining what could have been.

 instead, she isn't here and it does hurt. she's gone, and that still isn't right. but maybe what i'm imagining is her and what it is like for her in heaven, laughing and playing, exploring and singing. maybe this was what things are life for her. and that does hurt, but also, she was perfect and now is perfect... and even though in my mind she is smaller than the 21 month old in my shower, today she is 14. 

thank you Jesus for her 14 years.